getting to know them
Two sticks clash to gather, tightly pressing against each other by its owner. With the sun setting down casting a red tint to the sky indicating that it was almost time to leave Straniths back yard. Stranith was a larger kid than most his age. He had green eye with which he used to scare bullies. His shoulders were broad and strong but he stilled carried some baby fat from his infant years. Now the other of the two kids was a little runt by the name of Gentex. He was small but he had spirit that you could sense from a mile a way. He had red hair that look like a mop he was also as skinny as a stick wit his clothes hanging off of him.
“You ready to start” said Stranith just wanting to begin.
“Like, always. Ho and this time don’t cry when I beat you” said Gentex jokingly
“Sure man lets go” Stranith said rolling his eyes.
“One two three” they said to gather and on three they started their dule. Wielding their sticks like swords, with a banging and bashing every time their sticks met. Stranith was attacking the whole time while Gentex was blocking every blow until suddenly with a huge blow from Stranith his sword went flying to the ground.
“Good job man it’s the best you’ve done all week but it wouldn’t hurt you to attack once in a while,” said Stranith as he put down his sword in respect. “And now since we’re done can you help me with my home work?”
“Ya, ya . Hey, but first do you want to see my new invention” asked Gentex with his eyes glowing with pride.
“Yes, tell me what it is so I don’t blow up your moms’ car again” he said this with a cringe as remembered what happen last time.
“You ready to start” said Stranith just wanting to begin.
“Like, always. Ho and this time don’t cry when I beat you” said Gentex jokingly
“Sure man lets go” Stranith said rolling his eyes.
“One two three” they said to gather and on three they started their dule. Wielding their sticks like swords, with a banging and bashing every time their sticks met. Stranith was attacking the whole time while Gentex was blocking every blow until suddenly with a huge blow from Stranith his sword went flying to the ground.
“Good job man it’s the best you’ve done all week but it wouldn’t hurt you to attack once in a while,” said Stranith as he put down his sword in respect. “And now since we’re done can you help me with my home work?”
“Ya, ya . Hey, but first do you want to see my new invention” asked Gentex with his eyes glowing with pride.
“Yes, tell me what it is so I don’t blow up your moms’ car again” he said this with a cringe as remembered what happen last time.
posted by mystery man12 at 8:16 PM
5 Comments:
you probably shouldn't use modern slang. punctuation would help too. overall though, i think i like it. the first sentence needs to be changed though. you switch pronouns from being two people to being singular. there are other things, but i'd need red pen capabilities.
this part is based in the 1950's of cours their going to have slang like that.
Then why are they using swords? When you place this in context of the other part of the prologue, you're creating more confusion than you are creating a basis. You need to show that you're in our world. Dexcribe the setting a bit, to give us the feel of where you are.
Oh, and this bit doesn't prove to me that you need the first part where it is.
Beyond that, they have names that no one in the '50s would have. How can you expect us to assume it's in our world?
course they're
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